Wednesday 16 July 2008

Alt-Ctrl-Deleting Myself

Since this past Saturday I've been starting to use a cane. Mostly, I use the cane when my walker is just too impossible -- skinny stairs to manage, hot coffee to carry, cute boys to impress. It has been a triumph (take that, Dr. Almerga!) but an exhaustive one that is taking its toll on my energy levels. Two months after my surgery, my leg still hurts like a motherbleeper. It appears from observation that I'm getting a lot better because I am so much more mobile and steady. And this is true, I am getting better. All incision wounds have healed quite nicely, my pacemaker is helping to maintain its rhythm, my stomach muscles get stronger every day, and my hip and pelvic bone no longer feel like they are about to explode. My surgeons did a magnificent job and I do not regret my surgery at all. Unfortunately, the nerve pain is a new massive pain that has not subsided. Medications make it possible for me to put minimum weight on my leg but as soon as the medication starts to wane, the pain not only comes back, it comes back with a vengeance, making it clear that is most definitely not getting better.

"Ha! You thought you got rid of me? I'm back! Suck on it!" Yeah, Jacques is a bit of an ass.

I'm extremely frustrated. By this time, I was supposed to be back to hiking. I was supposed to be dancing. I was supposed to be counting the mere weeks until I could wear high heels. For crimony's sake, I was supposed to be showering inside the shower rather than soaking the bathroom floor because I can't climb into the bathtub by myself.

Yet, I'm also extremely happy. Because I am not depressed. See how that works? I'm not depressed so I'm happy. No, that isn't a redundancy. It's just that for so long... for so very, very long... these setbacks (and oh how there have been setbacks!) sent me into a tormented, melancholy suicidal state. This time I'm frustrated but I'm also determined and goofy and focusing on the positive as much as possible.

How is this time different? Well, quite simply, it's different because I decided it would be. A few months ago, I made the decision to be happy. This required me to make a few hard decisions -- cutting toxic people out of my life, cutting mind-wasting projects out of my life, cutting negative eating out my life. There was a lot of cutting. I started saying mantras. I started meditating again. I started singing again. But really, I just started being happy. It sounds silly, simplistic, and impossible but it worked. When I started to get pessimistic, I blasted a great song on the iPod, I went for a walk, I chanted, and yes, sometimes I opened a bottle of wine or poured myself a Scotch. Some people might say that drinking isn't the healthiest option for getting happy but "some people" can shove it.

I can't go for a walk right now -- and sometimes just this fact is enough to start the pessimism cycle -- but I'm working on new ways to reboot happiness when frustrations come. I've found cruising Ebay for sassy canes to be a nice diversion. And speaking of walking sticks, a visit from Johnny Walker doesn't hurt either.

posted on Mexico time @ 23.33 (menos o mas) | link to this Quixoticism | comments (1)