Tuesday 18 March 2008

On Honor

In recent weeks I've had my honor questioned. Some of the questioning has been done by people who were clearly delusional, some by people who clearly had ulterior, unkind motives, and some by people who clearly had never met me face to face. The accusations made against me were all ludicrous but ugly. They made me feel ugly and they made me question myself. I've been severely depressed before, I've even hated myself before, but I've never doubted my integrity. I knew I was innocent but... still... I'd lie awake at night, wondering how people could think this of me, trying to pinpoint that moment when I did something that would lend even a small part of the universe to think me capable of truly horrific behavior. I tortured myself far more than necessary but just couldn't stop myself. I haven't necessarily felt guilty but I've felt tainted. Tainted by images, whispers, gossip and by my authentic shortcomings. I've tried to laugh it all off and to believe my friends when they told me it would all blow over and that the truth would come out in the end.... but... it's really hurt me deeply.

I can honestly say that I really don't care if people like me. They can think I'm weird, silly, a talentless hack, or even a bad dancer and it doesn't bother me one bit. But I cannot bear to think of people hating me. I can't bear to think that people would associate me with maliciousness. So many really amazing, super groovy things have happened to me this year and it makes me furious that I'm instead writing about this garbage instead. I suppose I just need to say, for myself, in a public way, that I am honorable.

posted on Mexico time @ 13.28 (menos o mas) |